Any experience that is perceived as negative has a purpose and can teach you and your ego growth. Does it feel good to experience something our mind perceives as negative? No, obviously not. However, beyond what hurts is the opportunity to prevent yourself from experiencing that specific hurt again. When you feel hurt or misunderstood by someone’s behavior, this becomes an opportunity to reconceptualize hurt as an opportunity for growth by: (1) relinquishing the desire to be understood, and (2) becoming more clear on the type of people you want in your life. Now, why would you want to do either?
(1) Relinquishing your desire to be understood:
In a nutshell, wanting people to understand you stems from previous unhealed insecurities surrounding the guilt and shame we acquire when we’re too young to learn how to balance our authentic selves, with the expectations others have of us.
Feeling misunderstood results from a disagreement between parties on values or standards of behaviors that each individual party has. Successful interpersonal relationships actively participate in the navigation of varied values or expected behavior. How successful a relationship is, is based on the degree to which you and your counterpart can navigate differences in values or desired behavior. You can only navigate conflict if these differences are openly discussed and negotiated in a way that validates the emotions involved while balancing the practical perception of physical limitations (time, space, energy) with the psychological needs for social acceptance, security, and trust.
(2) Becoming more intentional about who you spend your time and energy on.
The kind of life that you wanna live may not always be occupied by people and behaviors that feel good or that reflect your ideal experience. But when we face experiences of hurt we have an opportuntity to become less attached to the expectations we have for others, and to become more intentional about who we spend our time and energy on.
I start by forgiving. First, I forgive myself for wanting more from people that they’re able to give. And I forgive others for wanting more from me then I am also able to give.
Then I focus on acceptance. When you ask the world to be different than it is, it may be because you don’t trust that your experience will reflect your worthiness and the worthiness of your desires. However, if you hold steadfast in the worthiness of yourself and the worthiness of your desires you will begin to understand the worthiness of others in the worthiness of their desires as being equal to your own even if they are not the same or in alignment with your own. And then, when you run into others that you disagree with thank them for their differences and give them nothing but love because your anger towards them is anger towards yourself for not being able to accept the versions of your consciousness that you cannot yet relate to. Because we all want to be accepted as we are, and we all have different understandings of what that looks like, but at the end of the day no one wants to be rejected because of something that is unique to their understanding of the meaning they attribute to life
After acceptance, you can begin to imagine and align with your highest vision of yourself and the community you will naturally attract. This begins with appreciating any negative experiences and finding their relative counter experience. For example, if a friend shares a secret without my permission, I move to the reality in which exist as fully transparent, accepted, and surrounded by loyal friends who support and validate my emotions.
Basically, it will always be your responsibility to rise above your current patterns of behavior and belief so that you can allow your best experiences to naturally present themselves.